Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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