The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize