Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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