I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
