I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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