im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize