omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
