We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
