I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
