Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
