Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
