You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
