Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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