Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
