I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
