I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
