we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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