its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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