I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
