what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
