went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
