I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
