that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
