i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize