I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
