i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
