i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
