then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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