I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
