haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
