OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
