I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
