If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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