I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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