yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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