I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need moral support for this bender
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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