I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
