The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
