he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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