Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
