why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
