hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
one might say we're banned from that church
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
