My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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