I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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