It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
