I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
