remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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