you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
