U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
