Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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