I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
