Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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