Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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