I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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