Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
