Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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