wrigley field is MILF paradise
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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