Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
