toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
porn star boner night. come get it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
