I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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