so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
