you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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